Day 1

Day one- Seven things that cross your mind alot.

1. Suicide
2. Love
3. Justin and Kyle
4. My dad
5. My life
6. If i was imaginary for a day
7. the future

So well i'm doing this 7 day challenge thing and once 7 days is done ill do the 10 day and then the 30 day. I don't like cold weather and i don't like winter. it's 22 degrees here with a 20 mph wind chill. NO FREAKING WAY! Spring is my favorite season because its warm and thats when thunderstorms come back (:

Long time.

Woah i just realized i haven't written anything in like a month. I guess i've just been so busy. Well to catch everyone up i've been seeing a therapist for my depression and i've lost a couple of my friends because i tried to explain to them what was going on with me and they pretty much just laughed in my face and said i was faking so i dropped them. And in my family me and my mom have been pretty distant because what i talk about in therapy makes  me realize that we really don't have a good relationship so i don't really know.

So now you've been caught up. Things really havent changed all that much but in a way they have. Now i'm sitting here drinking dr. pepper and watching Jack frost which i used to love this movie when i was a kid so this is bringing a lot of memories back.

you don't know me.

I woke up late this morning :/ so it started out pretty lame for me. But today was pretty chill. Nothing worth writing about so i'm just going to put up pictures that I think are important. Oh and I was walking through the hallway this morning and some guy put on this girls locker will you got out with me and I thought it was so cute.

(i love you are 3 extremely strong words to say with so much meaning behind them)

(i'm trying to find my missing puzzle piece)

(I can't wait till I get married)

(I wish people would open me up to see the real me)

(I have no destination I go where life takes me)

this is complete BS.

OMG! I HATE TODAY! well for starters I woke up, got dressed, and ate breakfast. While im eating breakfast in the living room, my mom, her boyfriend, and my sister are all talking crap about me like I can't hear them. Well I did, I heard every freaking word that came out of their mouths. Then I got to school and screamed at my yearbook teacher cause shes a bitch and came home and explained to my mom what happened and she didn't believe me and she told me I was wrong. Then my moms boyfriend got mad at me and threw my ipod and all my school books and everything down the stairs so I took 10 minutes picking up all the papers that came out of my folder that he threw.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!

oh and p.s. they are ignoring me now. All I want to say to them is FUCK YOU! I shouldn't be treated that way I didn't do anything. God obviously hates me because my life just keeps getting worse and worse in a spiral. ugh.

essay for school

Hey guys. I wanted to share with you an essay I wrote for school. Some of you helped me realize alot and I thank you for that. Here it goes:

My whole life has been based on what everyone wanted me to do. I've always been told what to do and how to do it. My childhood was crumbled into pieces as well as my teenage years. My father was a contributing factor in making me into someone I wasn't and he negatively affected my life. As a child I had to be an adult because alcoholism consumed my father. I didn't care much about school or anything because I took after him and just didn't care about the world around me. I used to stay in my room and just sit there for hours thinking. Then one day I heard my parents screaming and they got a divorce. It hit me hard and soon I was in counseling. I felt misunderstood and alone.

            Growing up didn't make things change cause my grades were still horrible and I still didn't care much about anything. I've always been a navy brat so moving around a lot made it easier to care less about school. So many times I thought that after high school I would just drop out and be in the navy like my mom because I was so used to it. But it wasn't until the summer before my Junior year that I started realizing that I have the potential to do anything that I put my heart into. I was going to make a change and it was going to happen now.

            Though school is still really hard for me I push and push until I break because I'm going to make something of myself and be the person I was destined to be. Although I would like to change things in my past, I never would've gone through the things I did and been able to realize my full potential. I volunteer as a cheerleading coach for UPWARD and that has made me feel better in helping other people. I also am the vice-president of students against destructive decisions (S.A.D.D) which helps me cope with my past and help other people who've been in my position. I plan on growing up and helping others who've been where I've been and people who've been depressed and had nobody to go to. I will be there for them so they aren't alone like I once was.

I hope you like it.

no school for me.

I'm crying out for help and it's like i'm on mute cause no one can hear me. I need new friends. I need a new family. I need a new life. I'm so sick of being this way. I can't do this. I left early from school today because I was like a second away from crying my eyes out, I couldn't even focus. I texted my mom so I could go home because I couldn't take it anymore and my mom was like I guess i'll come pick you up but i don't believe you. I hate it when nobody believes me when i'm upset. Nobody cares about me, I get that. But can you at least try to get to know me or at least try to care? Because I don't think this is not for me or that this life is for me. Lately i've been thinking what would it be like if I wasn't there, like if I was dead. I think everyone would be a lot happier and no one would really miss me. They don't even seem to care about me now so it's like well whatever she's finally gone.

I know you're probably reading this and like oh this is just normal she's always doing this. And i'm sorry I keep doing blogs about my depression but it's getting worse and I don't know whatelse to do because I can't talk to my friends or family about this because they don't care and this is the only way I can get it out. Every night I cry and I pray to god that something good happens in my life because life sucks. But nope nothing happens. People who ruined my fucking life keep coming into my life and screwing up things and me. Its like everytime they say something to me I get knocked down on the ladder a little more. Soon there will be no more ladder and I will hit rock bottom. I just need something good to happen to knock me out of this mess.

this is good news...right?

So as you all know I have my days when i'm depressed and my days when i'm okay. Well as Thanksgiving is growing close my depression days are growing longer. My mom finally called someone and I will soon be going to see a therapist. My mom also called my guidance counselor at my school and made me go see her and see what she thinks. She thinks that I have situational depression and that its moderate to extreme. I think that it's good that i'm finally going to see someone and get it out.

But to fill you in on what's been going on since i've been so busy and i'm always sleeping (which is a symptom of depression) homecoming was last weekend. It was horrible and stupid and I didn't have fun until it was after. They played stupid songs and people were just having sex in the middle of the dance floor. Not cool. The girls at my school are huge sluts which i'm not a part of that group. I don't see what the point is to go around and having sex with random dudes.

But after homecoming me and my friends went to ihop. It was midnight when we arrived and we didn't end up leaving until 2 in the morning. Then we all went back to my house and went to sleep. But my damn allergies got the best of me and the next day I was so sick and I just layed down all day and watched old episodes of Law and Order: SVU which is an amazing show btw :)

homecoming week!

So we are doing spirit week at school. Which spirit week is my favorite week. So this week i'm going to show you my outfit for every week. Today was Mix Match Day. One of my favorite days of the week. Other than nerd day (which is tomorrow). So this is my outfit for today....

usually I go more out but it was supposed to be hot today so I just wore this. But at least i'm school spirited :)

But anyways i'm sitting here eating orange tic-tacs (which are pretty much amazing) and watching charmed. I haven't seen this show in like forever. But I have to start my AP psych homework soon. Even though I don't want to because senioritis is hitting me so hard right now.

I care too much.

My grandma called me today to talk to me about my father. I didn't want her to hear me crying on the phone but she still did. Which made me cry harder. I told them I would come out to visit them for thanksgiving but only for my sister and to see my grandparents cause they care. But my dad had told them that I was just going to stay with him. Why would I stay with him if I don't feel comfortable with him? So I had to tell them that I still feel uncomfortable with him so hopefully i'm going to stay with them. If not, I'm just going to be take me back to the airport cause I'm going home.

I think I need to go see a therapist. Maybe that will help me because I feel like i'm getting worse. Though sometimes I feel like my mom sees me upset and doesn't do anything or she just yells at me. Like earlier. Obviously i'm the black sheep of my family. It just sucks.

Day Off.

We had no school today so I was home alone and I stayed in my pj's and watched movies and took naps all day. I'd say it was pretty successful lol. Still feeling pretty crappy, i've been waiting for something to change but it's not happening yet. Oh and I ordered some books for borders today because I just finished the book i've been reading last night. I haven't been getting alot of sleep or well I have but...just not very well. And I haven't been very hungry which is unusal for me because I love food and I'm always eating. But lately i've just not been hungry. And i've lost like 3 pounds. Which is good because I wanna lose weight but I just think this is not the way to do it.

Now i'm watching George lopez because he makes me laugh. I need a good laugh. BLAH!

depression hurts.

So I was right. Depression came and attacked me today. Actually I don't think it ever left it was just in hiding for the time being. While I was on the bus this morning it was like a bunch of weight just came at me and landed on my shoulders and I felt like I was stuck in a hole and I couldn't get out. No matter what I did today I just couldn't shake myself out of feeling alone. I don't know what to do. And i'm kind of pushing some of my friends away and I don't know why. I feel like I should tell my mom so she can do something about it. But i'm afraid of if I tell her then she won't understand and she will think i'm faking. That's what she did last time.

I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. I feel hopeless. Why is this happening to me?

I pray for you.

So last night I was feeling like depression creeping up on me on me again. This time the first thing that came into my head was to pray to god. So I was like what the heck i'll just try it. So I prayed. For a long time. I haven't done it in a while, and it kind of felt weird to do it. But after I prayed and got everything out it felt kind of good. So i'm hoping god is listening to me. I really need him. I need a support system. But how can I have a support system when I don't ever let anyone know whats wrong with me. I don't tell my friends whats wrong. I keep a smile on my face when they see me so they don't suspect anything...though if I had a sad face on only some of my friends would notice.

I hate the fact that one day i'm happy-ish. And the other day i'm depressed. It's like i'm going through emotional menopause. Geez.

i'm better than this.

I am so sick of people telling me I can't do stuff. Like my mom keeps telling me how I won't be able to get into my college that I want to and that community college is my way. I know i'm better than community college. I know that community college isn't bad for some people but like I want to get out of here and I know I can do better. My freshman and sophomore year was bad because I didn't do anything and I didn't try my hardest but my last two years i've been busting my butt trying to do what I can to make up for what I did my first two years.

I am sick of my friends telling me that i'm not good enough sometimes. I am good enough.


I am good enough.

i'm sick.

BLAH! Well I went to school today proudly wearing my patriots jersey because we spanked the dolphins 41-14 :) i'm so proud of them! But anyways I woke up with a very stuffy nose and my throat hurting and my head pounding. I don't know if i'm sick with like a cold or something or if it's my allergies. I really hope it's my allergies and not a cold or something because all my friends are sick and i've been hanging around with my friend alot who just told me today that she has laryngitis ( i don't know if thats the right way to spell it and i don't know if it's spreadable or not) but that would suck.

I think what i'm going to do tonight is take some sinus pills just in case its my allergies, take a nice hot bubble bath and then read for the rest of the night. I think that will make me feel better and relaxed.

Game time!

Waiting for my game to start. Football game that is. Patriots vs. Dolphins.



LETS GO PATRIOTS! As you can tell i'm a patriots fan :)

But anyways.
My day was pretty spanking great, even though I think i'm getting sick.
We got our interim's today and I got A's and B's which makes me so happy because that's the best i've ever done. And it made me smile that my mom put it on the fridge, like I felt part of the family when she did that. So it's 55 here in maryland and i'm FREEEEEZING! I'm pretty okay with cold weather when theres no wind but its 55 with a 20 mph wind. That's just way too ridiculous! Plus its 10 degrees colder in my room so in our house its 60 something so it's like 50 something in my room which makes me shiver so I can't go to sleep till like forever. ARGH! This weekend's mission: tell mom to get heater for my room!

i'm bad luck.

ARGH! My iPod is still not working. I've been trying to work on it all morning and nope. It just doesn't like me :( Then I trip going up the stairs and drop my homework in water (long story) so I had to re-do 4 FREAKING HOURS OF HOMEWORK OVER AGAIN! Then I bring my mom her food cause she can't walk cause she's on crutches and I drop her food all over her. So after that happened I pretty much just sat down and didn't move or say anything I was so mad/upset.

Is it possible that someone can be as bad luck as me?

stupid pranksters.

So I think i'm getting sick so i've been trying to take naps alot to feel better. Well while I was taking a nap today I heard my doorbell go off. And so I was like okay and I shrug it off cause it was probably my sister just letting me know she was home. Well a minute later the doorbell rings again like 5 times in a row. And so I call my sister and I'm like stop ringing the freaking doorbell I'm trying to sleep. And then she goes i'm not even home, so how can I be ringing the doorbell and then the doorbell rings again 5 times in a row. So since i'm home alone I start freaking out thinking its a murderer trying to kill me. So I go upstairs very slowly and grab a knife and I go to the door. I look out the hole first seeing if I can see anything...nope I can't. Then I try to look through the window but like i'm layig on the ground so in case it is a murderer, they can't see me. Well when I look through the window, nobody is there. So I'm like seriously? some freaking little kid just effing pranked me. Gee thanks.

And so now that i'm awake i'm trying to update my ipod. Well now my ipod is not working whatsoever and it won't restore or anything and it's really making me upset cause I don't have the money to buy a new one and if I have to buy a new one or something my mom will be pissed off.

Ugh fantastic day.

thanks weather!

So right about now i'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen and looking at the weather. Apparently we have a tornado watch, a flash flood warning and watch. I'm kind of happy. Because I LOVE tornados. Like I love watching them on tv and one of my favorite movies is twister. And if i'm ever in one I can scratch it off my bucket list :)

Also since yesterday we had a half day of school I went to go see Easy A with my friend. I reccommend the movie it was funny and good.

I really don't have much to say but I might do another blog tonight.

today...

Today wasn't the greatest of days but at least it's almost over. I seriously hate my math teacher. I hope he falls in a one foot ditch and falls to the ground. But I don't want him to break anything because i'm not that mean. But no forreals I think he hates me. Why you may ask? I don't really know. I pay attention in his class I do all my work and my homework and I don't talk. It must be the way I look. Ugh jerk.

People these days I swear.
They just keep getting ruder, and dumber.

Like I was driving today and I was going 10 miles over the speed limit (I know i'm a daredevil (: )but anyways this lady freaking zooms past me and cuts me off AND SHE WAS IN A VAN! I was like are you serious soccer mom? Almost made me get into an accident and I was secretly putting a curse on her that her son would lose his soccer game. I know i'm pretty mean but seriously!

I'm pretty sore right now. Well my legs are. I decided I wanted to lose 15 pounds and I'm starting to run everyday. I haven't ran in like 3 weeks so I wasn't used to it. So I ran for like 15 minutes
(one mile) and I felt pretty good because I was like I haven't run in forever and I just ran 15 minutes boo-yah! Then I walk for another 15 minutes and burned 230 calories go me. Then I did 15 squats and lungs (oh my gosh they were killer) and then I did flutter kicks, and loads of crunches because i'm trying to lose my tummy. Hopefully the weight will take off and I will be happy.

this weekend

Welp. This weekend definitly put me in a better mood and it was fun. Friday night I went to dinner and the game with my friends and then we spent the night at my friends house. Then we woke up the next morning to go to the National Book Fair in DC. (I live like 20 minutes away from DC so it wasn't that bad). And so we got there its like 90 something degrees it was so hot so we just got a brochure and left. Then we ate lunch in DC and went back home. Then we got ready again and went back to DC to go to see bullet for my valentine (my friends favorite band) at the 9:30 club. I'm not a huge fan of people screaming and call it music. But I felt bad and had to go so my friend would be happy. I ended up getting beer poured on me twice by the same guy and he knew he did it cause he watched the second time he did it and laugh. Freaking Idiot. And me and my friend got a shoe thrown at us. Yeah great night.

So now i'm sitting here tired as crap cause I barely got sleep this weekend. Now I gotta do homework and sleep for the rest of the day. Goodnight.

no name.

So today I went to school but came home early because I had a horrible migraine and plus I just really didn't want to be there. So my mom came and got me and I was really glad that my mom actually came and picked me up. Though of course my migraine never went away today. And I took moutain dew and excedrin migraine which of course ALWAYS works but not for me obviously.

This night i'm a little better than last night. Still depressed but don't feel like crying. Which is a good thing I guess? I think i'm in love with my bestfriend (hes a guy) and it hurts so much because I don't think he feels the same about me. And everytime that I see him its like someone keeps stabbing me in the heart because its like seeing something you really want and knowing you can't have it.

I'm trying to be optimistic. About life. Maybe good things will happen if I try to be optimistic.

i'm done.

I'm done. I'm done with life. I'm done with people. I'm just done. I can't do it anymore. I'm depressed. I put on a fake smile everyday hoping people wouldn't know whats wrong with me but people just don't care. Why should I care about people if they don't care back? If in the end they just end up hurting me? That's why I don't get close to people, I get vulnerable and then it makes it hurt 10 times worse when they hurt me. I can't go to school anymore and have people think i'm always happy. Because i'm not. I'm sad. I'm depressed. And things in my life are repeating over and over and making it worse for me to deal with things.

No one knows what I go through everyday because no one cares to know whats wrong with me. I could do harm to myself and no one would even stop to ask me whats wrong or why I did it. No one would miss me if I was gone. It'd just be another day. Another lifeless day with people not caring.

All this pain and anger and sadness inside of me has to go away. It's eating me alive. I can't do it. I can't take it anymore. What's the point in being alive if you have all this inside of you? I'm thinking some messed up things and I can't push them away. I can't push the feelings and thoughts away because they just stick inside of me and eat me intill I get to the point where I don't want to move or do anything. Every night I cry. It makes it worse because then I feel worthless. I hate me. I hate this life. I hate these feelings inside me. I want them to just all go away. I wanna be happy. But I just can't. It's just too much.

I thought things were different.

Happy birthday to me :)

So today's my birthday...obviously. I'm finally 17 so I can see rated R movies whoop whoop. Although today was good and my family was great. But year after year my friends slack on my birthday and it really upsets me. Because I go all out on their birthday's and every year they barely even say happy birthday to me. Am I overreacting? Am I being selfish?

I don't know.
I'm confused.

So i'm currently online shopping for books and clothes with the money I got today. It makes me happy. Since I love reading...but I really don't like shopping. Yeah I know weird... I'm like the only girl who doesn't like shopping. Why don't I like shopping? Because I hate going into a store and them not having your size, or having your size but in ugly clothes. Not fun whatsoever.

Blah.

asdfjkl;

Sorry I havent written anything in a while i've been WAY stressed out! I've had about 3 hours of homework like EVERY FREAKING NIGHT! So like my schedule was like wake up at 6, breakfast at 7, school at 8-3, then sometimes I would nap cause i'd be so tired from school and homework or sometimes I would go to the gym for like 2 hours so I'd get home at 5-6ish (depends on when I leave) and then dinner till 7, so then 3 hours of homework then it'd be like 10-1030ish when i'm finally done then im so exhausted that I just crash.

Blah I haven't even told my mom what I wanted for my birthday cause i've been so busy. And my birthday is on sunday. Ugh! Now I desperatly need a back and neck massage because i'm cramping up and it's starting to hurt really bad. And to top it off mother nature decided to pay me a visit. And when I get that I get some HORRIBLY HORRIBLE cramps. Like you have no idea. I can't move and I've stayed home from school many of times because of it. It freaking sucks.

I'm so excited that theres a 3 day weekend and its also fair day weekend so i'm hoping to have LOADS of fun this weekend :)

So I need to listen to some new bands. Though I love the bands I'm listening to right now, I just need some new songs. So I need some new ideas!

Well so it's 9 o'clock where I am right now. I'm tired, stressed, cranky, and I need some sleep. Goodnight <3

why?

Why are people coming back in my life that I pushed out for a reason? Like my dad, my grandma, and my ex. There is a reason I put you in my past and forgot about you. I'm looking towards the future and forgetting about my past so I can get over the hurtful things people put me through. Everything is stressing me out lately because all these people are coming back in my life. I mean i'm already thinking about college and the stuff my mom wants me to do, plus I got A LOAD of homework that i'm way behind on, I can't get this person out of my head no matter what I do. I think i'm in love with my bestfriend and I wanna find out if he likes me too because we always talk about going out and all this stuff but like I don't know. I got my friends not remembering my birthday and having to find out through facebook and all this other crap. It's like I give so much to people who give me so little. People put me second when I put them first.

Why is everything so hard right now? I'm trying to push through keep my smile on my face so I can get through the days but it's getting harder and harder. No matter what I do to try to make everything seem better somebody or something just puts me down. Nobody knows the real me. I wish I could tell someone so at least I have someone to talk to about it. But I'm afraid once I tell them the real me they will run away. Because it seems like everytime I get really close with someone they end up leaving and running away. Is it me? Did I do something wrong?

:)

10 days till my birthday :)

blah.

I am so sick of hearing stuff about college. My mom, her boyfriend, my uncle, school just keep saying stuff. It's like repeat going on, over and over and over and over. Seriously i'm so sick of hearing it. The thing is I WANNA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! Out of maryland. Out of the house. Away from my family. I can't deal with the stuff here anymore. It's killing me to be here still.



This sucks.

I hate when people tell you, you can't.

Sorry I havent posted in a while. I've been busy thinking about so much stuff. So this weekend hasn't been my best. Friday pretty much sucked in general. Then saturday I got a splinter in my butt and while trying to get it out I passed out. Then today while at breakfast my mom made me cry because she pretty much told me that I won't be able to make it to a regular college and that I should be thinking about a community college. Which hurts because I know I'm not that good in school but at least i'm trying. I'm sorry that I have A.D.D and it takes me a little bit to get stuff done and remember stuff.

So now i'm doing my psychology homework and I keep thinking about all this stuff i'm bad at. All the stuff I suck at. All the stuff everybody hates about me. All the stuff I hate about me. It's so hard to be liked when you don't even like yourself. It's hard to trust people when you can't even trust yourself.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.



Frank Crane
 
I hate that I put people first when they put me second. I've been trying to lose weight and I still feel like everyone sees me like i'm still the fat person. I'm still the one in the room whos quiet, who hates herself and her body and just picks at her body and makes brusies on her body hoping it would make her skinny. Yeah I tried throwing up my food. Yeah I tried not eating for a couple of days. Yeah it didn't help me but when I did those stuff I felt like those were the only ways people were going to like me. Nobody was going to like me if i'm fat. Nobody likes fat people. Guys don't like fat people. I wish I was skinny so I can be liked. I wish I was skinny so I can be loved. I wish I was skinny so I can feel in with people. I wish I was skinny so I can feel confident. And I wish I was skinny so I can finally love myself.
 
Oh and by the way 14 more days till my birthday :)
 

you make me wanna lala.

Welp. Don't really have much to talk about tonight. Watching the game as usual. Feels like reading for the rest of the night. Currently I'm reading perfect chemistry. Pretty good so far. If you don't know what it is. I'll tell you once i'm done reading it. Oh I have a good idea i'll read while taking a bubble bath that sounds so good right now.

My favorite thing about school is?

Well there is a lot of things I like about school. Odd enough because I always say I hate it but I actually have fun and enjoy school. Why do I like school?

1. I like learning; like weird enough but I actually like to learn stuff, especially history because it's so  fascinating to learn about stuff people actually did before I was born. What's my favorite thing to learn about history it's the holocaust.
2. I like some of my teachers; I don't know why only some of them. Probably some piss me off but some of them are actually cool.
3. I like school supply shopping; clothes and supplies but mostly supplies because I hate shopping. I like when you get all the school supplies and your putting them together it just feels great.
4. I like meeting new people; though I always say I hate people which I do but I hate ignorant and rude people, if your cool and nice I'll like you.

I like more stuff but those are the most important. Reason for my post tonight? Well I just went school supply shopping and I got 2 batman folders which make me smile so I had to tell people. :)

First day of Senior Year was...

So first year of senior year was...CRAPPY! well in some cases it was and some cases it was great. My classes are okay but some people are just so insanely ignorant it drives me crazy. Like I know i'm not black but when somebody who is black keeps on repeating the N word every 5 seconds it really upsetting because that word has so much meaning behind it that some people don't realize why they say it. Like I seriously HATE when people say it because it's such a strong hurtful word. They have no idea how they would change as a person if they would just use other words other than that word. They would be respected more as a person and more liked and well rounded. But no. They have to use that word and people just lose respect for them. Like me. But other than that it was okay. We tried out this one hour lunch thing which I think is a bit ridiculous because our school has over 3,000 students and our cafeteria is not that big. And people at my school are ignorant and rude as it is so when your trying to get out of there because you can't stand people and it was getting way over crowded and people just push you and yell at you to move, i'm sorry but that's when I will start yelling. Ugh people these days.

But other than those things I'm taking yearbook so i'm really happy about that because i've been there since the school opened back when I was in 7th grade. Yeah sounds weird right? Well the school opened and I was in 7th grade so they made the school 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. Then the next year it was 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. Then finally it was an offical high school with 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. So i've been there for 6 years and I think it would be really special if I did the year book for my last year and the last original class graduating. So I got assigned to a group today where we have to make our badges and we had to take pictures and make it unique so I jumped in the air because i'm quite original and unique and so everybody loved my picture and wanted to do the same thing as me and I was like way to be original? lol.

So that pretty much sums up my day. It was good but it was also very bad. Hopefully as the school year goes on, people mature and grow up and it will be exciting :)

WOOOOT!

TOMORROW IS THE START OF MY SENIOR YEAR! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I AM WAY EXCITED but nervous. BUT STILL WAY EXCITED!

The Silence by Mayday Parade

So if you haven't heard that song you should because it's amazing! and i'm listening to it now and it's definitly what i'm feeling right now. So I was in New York with my bestfriend so that's why I didn't have a new post in like 2 days. And when I didn't write it felt like I had SO much building up inside of me and I was on the verge of crashing. So my father ended up coming today. And at first when I heard he was coming in the beginning when he first had said it I took a while thinking about it but then I had said I would go and see him but then he said I disrespected him so then I said no. Well I found out yesterday that he was coming today and I told him that I wasn't going to see him and talk to give because I had given him a chance and he just totally ruined it. So I had to open the door for him today and I said hi but that was it. I went into hiding because all of these emotions were just coming out of me and I just started crying my eyes out and I didn't want to cry in front of him because i'm done with that. So then he kept trying to talk to me and like follow me for answers and I just wanted to scream at him.

I shouldn't be able to put up with his crap anymore. I'm done with that. You've hurt me SO MANY times I don't know how I can forgive you. Everyone is telling me that I should give you a chance but why should I? I've given you almost 17 years of chances and you've just thrown them in my face. I hate you. I'm never going to forgive you. I just can't.

Bad Day

So I pretty much had a bad day. First I didn't work out as good as I wanted to. Then my friend threw my water bottle into my bad and broke my phone. So i'm currently phoneless and i'm going to new york tomorrow with my friend (so I wont be on for 2 days) and then my mom had surgery on her foot today so i've been taking care of her. And I feel so bad for her because shes in pain and I feel hopeless. :( I love you mom, please feel better.

Stop Talking that Blah Blah Blah!

So I'm sitting here on the couch while watching big brother and i'm totally thinking about how I kinda wanna put on all of my transformers bandaids that I just bought on my body. I would be so happy. Since I don't have really any much to say tonight I'm just gonna put some pictures up that I love.

This is george lopez. Well Duhh. But I am in love with him. I don't think hes hot or anything I just love him because how he's funny. He makes me laugh so much I don't know what I'd do without him whenever I'm upset.

This is my bestfriend Sarah. I met her back in 9th grade and we've been unseperateble ever since. She's someone who I can always have fun with and she knows how to keep secrets. i don't know what i'd do without her.

This is my bestfriend Liana. She's the bestest friend i've ever had. She knows whenever i'm upset and knows how to cheer me up. We can be in the middle of class and just randomly start break dancing. She helps me out with everything.

And last but not least this is my bestfriend andi. She is my number one person that I go to for anything. She knows how to keep me on my toes and keep me smiling. I would take a bullet for her or a stab in the heart with a knife. She is my bestfriend and I love her. We can be in the middle of target and have so much fun (hence the picture we wanted to try out the game at target).

Don't you just hate it when...

So today me and my friend decided to go to the mall. Well we had to workout first so she said she wanted to come over at 815 to pick me up. Well I got a random case of insomnia last night and didn't end up going to bed till 3:30 in the morning and then waking up at 5:45 because my stomach was hurting. Whoopie. So after trying to go back to sleep again I finally fell back asleep and then woke up at 7:45 to get ready. I had to take a shower and shave my legs because they were hairy and it bothers me. So I finally get out of the shower at 7:55 and I'm getting everything ready to go to the gym (I had to get all of my shower stuff because I was so not going to the mall after going to the gym and being all sweaty and nasty) So I had thought I got all my stuff. WRONG. My friend ended up getting here at 8 so I was rushing to get all my stuff ready so she wasn't waiting that long. I forgot a towel. So we went to target to go get me a towel. Then we worked out and got showers and then we were on our way to the mall and movies.

So fandango had said the movie would start at 10:10 so we got there and the movie theater didn't open till 10:06. Random time... I know. So we bought our tickets and the movie didn't end to start till 11:10. So we went to the mall and just chilled into 11 and then went back over there. Then we got there and we missed the previews and the first 10 minutes of the movie because of the stupid people that work at the movie theater. They couldn't get the video up at first and then they finally got the video up but no audio. I'm sorry but I think snooki from Jersey Shore could work that better than the stupid people at the movie theater. Oh and by the way we saw Vampires Suck. In my opinion the movie freaking sucked. It was not even funny. Total waste of 5 dollars.

Then after the movie we went to the mall and of course I didn't have any money so we were there for 5 hours and she bought like the entire mall and I bought nothing and I was kinda upset because like we don't have the money :( ugh it sometimes sucks.

Whoever said psychics were wrong... I don't believe them.

Oh my sweet baby jesus today was GREAT! I woke up today with a smile on my face though I got woken up at like 9. Then I finished my paper for ap psychology. Then we went to the commissary for food because we surely didn't have any food in the house. And then we came home and my friend came over to help me choose first day of school outfit. I wanted to get out of the house because I was bored and there was nothing to do. So me and my friend decided we wanted to go see a psychic. Oh my gosh was she so accurate about my life it was ridiculous. She guessed that my father was an alcoholic and that I have trust issues, and all this other stuff. Then she said that I was going to be successful in my last year in high school and then when I go to college i'm going to find my true love and marry him. Oh man I'm really hoping shes right because that would be so great!

Now I'm watching the Law and Order SVU marathon and eating banana bread. Which for one law and order svu is amazing! and so is banana bread! :) So I have to tell you kids a story that just makes me laugh. So my mom was driving yesterday and then her phone rang as a text message so she told me to read it because she's not going to text and drive for one thats illegal and two we don't want to die. So the text came from my dad asking my mom to ask me a question. Of course I was going to answer it because it was technically for me. So I told him the answer and then I said oh and by the way this is Jaymie and if you don't like my answer then don't come out here and if you come out here and you make me cry I will leave and never talk to you ever again because I'm done crying over you. Then he texted me back and said oh I feel so hurt and betrayed blah blah blah. I'm not even coming out here anymore because I'm not doing this shit. In a way I'm kind of relieved that he's not coming out here because now I don't have stress like crazy about it. But my psychic said to try it one day at a time but don't put your all into it. I don't know what to do. But the part that just makes me laugh was that he sent my mom a question about me for ME to answer but when I answer it so my mom doesn't have to text it to him and he freaks out and says how he's not coming out here.

HAHAHA people are funny and fake and just crack me up.

superfantisticfabulous

Welp. Today my mom decided to take us clothes school shopping. She took us to hagerstown which is like 2 hours away which I was really happy with because I so need new clothes. So we got there and I found a dinosaur shaped sandwhich cutter. I wanted it SO BAD! so I could have dinosaur shaped sandwhiches! I could just imagine going to school and whipping them out and being like BAM! I got a dinosaur shaped sandwhich! So then we went to lunch at Longhorn Steak House and i've never eaten there and I actually liked it. So then my mom goes "you wanna drive home?" which means there would be highways involved. And since i've never driven on the highway I sorta freaked out. But I said yes because I need to get my license soon.
So were driving home on the highway (well i'm driving home) and of course i'm like gripped on the wheel and it's all tight and then my elbow starts hurting (I've got tennis elbow so it can get pretty bad and painful) so i'm driving and i'm trying to loosen up my arm and elbow so it doesn't hurt that much. Well i'm like an hour and a half away from home and my elbow is hurting like really bad but I still feel like I have to drive because I didn't want to disappoint my mom. So now i'm finally home, and im icing my elbow because its in excruciating pain.

While i'm icing my elbow me and my mom are watching this lifetime movie. It's called till lies do us part. This guy is crazy but hes funny. My dog is whinning for his toy but I hid it because he LOVES to chew it on me and then all his slobber gets all over me and then it gets really icky and then I get all mad. Now my mom is telling me to get it but I don't really wanna get up i'm pretty lazy. But i'm also hungry. Maybe if I just wish like aladdin I'll get a genie and he can give me food, get my dog his toy, and then find me a boy. Because I'm boyless at the moment and its no bueno.

As I lay here...

So i'm thinking about alot tonight. Mostly about next weekend. My dad is apparently supposed to be coming down here. If I had a normal childhood I would be way excited for him to be coming. But since he ruined my childhood... I'm not exactly excited. So here we go story time into my life about what happened in my childhood. When I was a kid and my mom and dad were together, me and my dad were extra close and I was a HUGE daddy's girl. But I realized at 5 that he was an alcoholic... and everytime we were together he would be drunk. Quickly as I grew older I began to realize it more and more and well then my mom and dad split up and got a divorce. As I grew older, his drinking got worse, and I started to go through depression. My dad had put me through enough. I now have trust issues, and I have to have someone to love me or I freak out. Trust me I try to work on it, but after everything I've been through, my feelings and my hurt just can't go away.

Usually when I'm stressed out like this I blast my music. So i've been listening to some of my favorite songs from paramore, mayday parade, and GLEE. Hopefully it will get my mind off somethings. I'm hoping so.

All I can do is Smile

So i'm sitting here on the couch watching the patriots vs. falcons game. GO PATRIOTS! sorry I had to put my team out there. Anyways so i'm sitting on the couch just thinking about some stuff. I'm thinking about how good I did today with exersizing. I'm thinking about how good Tom Brady looks (oh baby). And I'm thinking about my future. I'm a senior in high school and i'm so scared. I don't think i'm ready to grow up. I don't think i'm ready to be an adult and look out for myself. I mean I can't even do it now and i'm still at home and sometimes I pay for myself but most of the time my mom pays for me. And with school it's been such a rollercoaster. I mean in 9th grade I failed english 1 so now i'm an english behind my classmates and now that i'm in senior year I have to double up and take english 3 and 4. I'm also taking AP pyschology. I tell myself everyday that I can do it but then I think about what if I do fail, i'm letting myself down, and my mom down. I don't want that burden on my back I already feel like I failed her back in 9th grade. It's not a good feeling.

I don't really have much to say tonight.

Argh.

So today went good...until dinner. As I told you, me and my friend joined a gym so were trying to get all skinny and healthy. So I was really proud of what I did today with my workout. So at dinner I wanted to tell my mom how good I did today. I went to start talking and my sister rudely interupts me. So I stay quiet to wait till shes done. Well then I try to start to talk again. Then my mom interupts me. So when she was done I was like well then I guess you don't want to hear my news and my mom goes "Jaymie your sister didn't make the volleyball team, dontcha think that's a little more important than what you have going on?" So then I was like oh no. Now im upset and mad and I say "Oh that's right you don't pay attention to me at all and it's all about Jorden!" and I left the dinner table and went to my room. My mom comes down and starts yelling at me saying how I should be upset that Jorden didn't make the team and how we should be there for her blah blah blah. And so I yell back to get my point across. And you know what happens after that? I FREAKING GET GROUNDED FOR NOT BEING SUPPORTIVE OF MY SISTER. seriously? This family sucks sometimes.

Then today I get a facebook comment from my old bestfriend. We became friends in 6th grade and then she left me in 8th grade because she got into alcohol and drugs. I'm sorry that's just not me I don't want to do any of that. So she ditched for all of that and boys. One summer I think it was 7th grade we went to Ocean City and I went with her family and she brought me so I was like oh sweet. Well the night we got there her sister brought her friend and they got drunk. So me and my friend were like lets not drink until 21 and lets not have sex until we know we're in love and all this stuff and we made a pact. Well 8th grade came and I went up to her and she ignored me for this guy who was known for being a druggie and stuff. So I was pretty upset by that and I didn't talk to her for a couple of days. Then I texted her wanting to know what was up and why she wasn't talking to me anymore. Well she had said that I was a nobody and all this other stuff. That hurt. So we didn't talk anymore. Then 9th grade came and she had lost her virginity and a rumor was going around that she was preggo. I knew that we weren't friends anymore but she was my bestfriend once so I had to do something. So I texted her and was like "woah are you preggo?" and she goes "No why?" and I had said "oh because it's going around school that you are" So she stopped texting me and she went on facebook and said she wasn't preggo. Then 10th grade year came around and she got fat and nobody wanted to talk to her anymore. I felt bad and tried to talk to her and stuff. Once again she ditched me for alcohol, boys, and drugs. 11th grade year comes around she has no friends and thinks oh maybe I should get my old friends back they were great. So I get this facebook comment saying "oh i miss you, we're bestfriends, i love you and all this other stuff. At this point I thought oh no I gave you how many tries and you just ditched me? So now she wants to be my friend and I'm just like oh nope. You ditched me. I was your only friend and the only person to talk to you. We're done.

Wasn't that a great story? And you wonder why my life is so effed up.

Hard work and dedication.

Welp today was great. Though I realized that I didn't write yesterday. My bad. So me and my friend wanted to join a gym because were sick of being fat. So we joined a gym. Today was our first official day of doing the workout at the gym. I had been working out for like the past 2 weeks so I was used to it. She on the other hand does not workout at all. So it was a lot harder than her. We started out on doing the bike we both did 12 miles which was good. Then we did the treadmill. I ran 2 miles and I was so happy because i've never done that before. She did like a mile walking and I was so proud of her. We both pushed each other to do what we needed and hopefully we will lose something. I hate that now i'm craving a donut. Like i seriously want a freaking donut. I have craving's because they are not fun.

Im so happy because yesterday I got the first two books of the pretty little liars series (the actual books) so once i'm done reading the book i'm reading now i'm going to read those. Pretty little liars is one of my favorite tv shows right now. My others are:

1. Biggest Loser
2. One Tree Hill (which better not be its series finale because then I might cry)
3. Ghost Adventures
4. Huge
5. Make it or Break it
6. Cake boss (though I have to watch it when i'm working out because when i'm watching it I always want some cake)
7. Army Wives

And I feel like i'm missing a couple shows. oh well. That pretty much is my life right there. That and music pretty much are my life.

Old times have some great memories.

So today we got netflix (which I now love and is my new bestfriend) and i'm watching one of my favorite cartoon movies. QUEST FOR CAMELOT! oh man this movie has given me some great memories. And I feel bad because I just found out that the person who sings kayley's mom's part is celine dion. Woah totally just found that out and this is supposed to be one of my favorite cartoon movies. Go me. BUT ANYWAYS! I was a 90's kid and I must say that, that decade had the BEST tv shows. I'm gonna make a list of my favorites.

1. Rugrats
2. Hey Arnold
3. Rocket Power
4. ALL THAT!
5. The amanda show
6. Rocko's modern life
7. 7th heaven
8. Blue's Clue's (with steve not joe)
9. Boy meets world
10. Charmed
11. Dexter's Lab
12. Full house
13. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
14. Home Improvement
15. The Nanny
16. Sabrina the teenage witch
17. Sister, Sister
18. Touched by an Angel
19. Doug
20. Animaniacs
21. Pinky and the brain
22. Salior Moon
23. Angry Beavers
24. Recess
25. The Flinstones
26. The Jetsons
27. CatDog
28. Pokemon
29. Johnny Bravo
30. Ed, Edd, And Eddy
31. Little Bear
32. Scooby Doo
33. Courage the Cowardly Dog
34. Powder Puff Girls
35. Magic School Bus
36. Arthur

And that's just some of them :)
But that's probably why i'm so messed up these days because I watched so many tv shows.

Baby, i'm bulletproof.

ARGH! I am so freaking done with all the bs in my family. I hate that I can't have a normal family. I hate the fact that I keep getting played by people. What happened with my family you say? Well.. My mom does not listen to me whatsoever like I could say anything I want or do whatever I want and she wouldn't notice or even care I swear. So we were at dinner tonight with some of the family friends and my mom and her friend were talking about work (big shocker there) and so my sister, and my moms friends husband, and I were all talking so I had said oh yeah im going to pierce my nipples just to see if my mom noticed. Nope she didn't. But when my sister said it my mom was like oh no your not and all this stuff. So my mom's boyfriend had said to my mom well your other daughter is gonna do it and she goes oh..well.. I don't care. Oh thanks mom. That's a HUGE slap in the face when you know you're mom doesn't even care about you. She even puts her boyfriend in front of you. It's all about him whatever we do. Like we will be out in a store and they'll be holding hands and PDA like crazy and I'll be like oh I need this, or oh I need that and she'll most likely be talking, kissing, or hugging all over her boyfriend. I'm sorry are you my mom? Because I feel like you just don't even care. Thanks.

And with the getting played part. Welp I liked this guy alot and he was my bestfriend. And sometimes it would seem like he liked me because he'd be like hey beautiful and I love you and I miss you, I wish you were here so I can be laying with you and all this other stuff. Well I fell for it like an idiot and then he stopped talking to me for a while so I was like oh thanks douche! then one day I woke up and found that he texted me and once again he said all the nice things and once again I fell for it like an idiot. And now he hasn't texted me back. Why is it that I fall for his tricks over and over and OVER again? I think it's because I don't usually hear the nice stuff that he tells me and it's just so sweet that I fall for it knowing at the end it's going to be the same thing but always hoping that it wouldn't and that maybe this time would be different. It really isn't.

I always crave to be liked and loved because I don't get to expeirence it that much if ever. I always crave for someone to be like i'm proud of you or way to go. Or even I love you. It's an easy word to say but so powerfull. Powerfull enough to change people. I'm always hoping it would change me, make me happy, make me smile. Nope just when people say it to me they don't mean it. They usually want something from me. I'm the person who is playable because nothing bothers me. When in fact everything bothers me, I just don't show it because I don't cry infront of people because I don't want them to see how weak I am. I am a strong person because of all the crap I went through from my entire life.

Adventures on a Tractor!

So yesterday I was driving home with my mom and sister in the car when we decided to go to my uncle and aunts house. When we arrived we saw that they had gotten baby dwarf goats. They were so cute and soft and super nice! ...surprisingly cause i've always have seen them ramming into people. But anyways so when we were playing with them a chicken came over to my and like pecked my foot which hurt really bad so I decided to get away and hold one of their bunnies named Bun Bun while my sister was holding one named Honey Bun (I forgot to tell you that I also have a 4 and 7 year old cousin, hence the name bun bun and honey bun). Which they were babies too so they were very small and adorable!

So while my uncle was cooking dinner we were all joking around about me driving the tractor around and I had thought we were joking...i was...they weren't. So after dinner hes like YOU READY?! and I was like haha ready for what? and he's like TO DRIVE THE TRACTOR? and I was like um sure..? So I get on the tractor and he kicks it up all the way. (keep in mind that i'm a bad driver and i've never driven a tractor before) So i went FLYING down the hill and I was screaming. Five minutes later I was used to it and having fun with a smile on my face. My little cousins and my sister decided to get in the back of the tractor (it was pulling something so that people could sit in it.) I was driving, they were laughing and we were all having a good time. I started to do donuts. I swear to god I never thought I would have so much fun on a tractor then when I was doing donuts.

Then when I was done driving the tractor, my sister wanted a turn and she can't drive either, and shes 15 so she doesn't have her permit or license so she has no driving skills whatsoever. So when she was driving we almost tipped over 10 times! WHAT IS THAT!? I was so scared for my life and I was thinking about all the things I haven't done yet before I died. Thank god my uncle made my sister stop driving because we had to leave to go back home which means a 2 hour drive. It was actually a peaceful drive back. When we finally arrived home I was so excited to be back in my bed that I layed down and passed out and woke up this morning and I was like woah that was great.

Tic Tacs vs. Lifesavers

So today me and my sister were having this debate on tic tac vs. lifesavers and I think that Tic Tac's TOTALLY beat lifesavers out of the park because their better especially the orange kind. So were pretty much having this poll right now to see which ones better, so please give me some opinions to which one you like better! Other than that my day was pretty much normal. I leave virginia beach to go back home on friday and i'm gonna miss it like crazy! It's so amazing here that I wanna just live here forever.


So right now i'm watching House of Wax right now and isn't this supposed to be a scary movie? Because it totally isn't. Though Paris Hilton just totally got killed and it was really funny and messed up but who cares. My newest addiction right now strawberry melon Fuze ( i wonder how you say it though because im always confused on how to say it) and animal crackers. Best combination since Peanut butter and Jelly I must say.


You may realize that i'm in a much better attitude today than I was yesterday and I was just thinking that people do change, that things WILL get better if I just improve my attitude and think postivley that life will get better. I think I just need new people in my life to improve my attitude so any takers? lol. Im pretty random I know but thats just who I am, like it or not. I don't go by any labels I just wanna have fun.

My smile is gone.

I'm pretty much done with everything right now. Its getting harder to smile, to tell everyone it's okay, when I know its not. I'm done with my father, i'm done with my family, i'm pretty much done with all of my life. It's not making any sense anymore. It's getting harder when I know it does get hard but when is it going to be my turn to be happy, to be in a great mood for once, and actually have my smile be real. I'm starting to think that it will never get better, that life won't get easier. Crying has become my basic need to get everything out for the past couple of weeks. I hate the fact that I bottle things in and then when things just build up I just explode and crash and it happens alot because I just have way to much going on. I've been stressed out lately when I know I shouldn't but thats what comes out with my horrible self-esteem. I HATE that i'm fat. I HATE that I don't have really anyone to talk to. I HATE that my family hates me because i'm an odd ball. I HATE that my mom is always complaining about my weight and what I look like. I HATE that my dad is an alcoholic. I HATE that my sister gets all the attention. All this hate inside me has to come out. I don't want to be a negative person anymore. I need to be happy because everything just sucks right now. You know how people wish at 11:11 at night? Well I do it too. I wish I was liked. I wish people cared for me. I wish somebody would come along and make me happy. It just hasn't happened yet. Hopefully soon it will...