you don't know me.

I woke up late this morning :/ so it started out pretty lame for me. But today was pretty chill. Nothing worth writing about so i'm just going to put up pictures that I think are important. Oh and I was walking through the hallway this morning and some guy put on this girls locker will you got out with me and I thought it was so cute.

(i love you are 3 extremely strong words to say with so much meaning behind them)

(i'm trying to find my missing puzzle piece)

(I can't wait till I get married)

(I wish people would open me up to see the real me)

(I have no destination I go where life takes me)

this is complete BS.

OMG! I HATE TODAY! well for starters I woke up, got dressed, and ate breakfast. While im eating breakfast in the living room, my mom, her boyfriend, and my sister are all talking crap about me like I can't hear them. Well I did, I heard every freaking word that came out of their mouths. Then I got to school and screamed at my yearbook teacher cause shes a bitch and came home and explained to my mom what happened and she didn't believe me and she told me I was wrong. Then my moms boyfriend got mad at me and threw my ipod and all my school books and everything down the stairs so I took 10 minutes picking up all the papers that came out of my folder that he threw.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!

oh and p.s. they are ignoring me now. All I want to say to them is FUCK YOU! I shouldn't be treated that way I didn't do anything. God obviously hates me because my life just keeps getting worse and worse in a spiral. ugh.

essay for school

Hey guys. I wanted to share with you an essay I wrote for school. Some of you helped me realize alot and I thank you for that. Here it goes:

My whole life has been based on what everyone wanted me to do. I've always been told what to do and how to do it. My childhood was crumbled into pieces as well as my teenage years. My father was a contributing factor in making me into someone I wasn't and he negatively affected my life. As a child I had to be an adult because alcoholism consumed my father. I didn't care much about school or anything because I took after him and just didn't care about the world around me. I used to stay in my room and just sit there for hours thinking. Then one day I heard my parents screaming and they got a divorce. It hit me hard and soon I was in counseling. I felt misunderstood and alone.

            Growing up didn't make things change cause my grades were still horrible and I still didn't care much about anything. I've always been a navy brat so moving around a lot made it easier to care less about school. So many times I thought that after high school I would just drop out and be in the navy like my mom because I was so used to it. But it wasn't until the summer before my Junior year that I started realizing that I have the potential to do anything that I put my heart into. I was going to make a change and it was going to happen now.

            Though school is still really hard for me I push and push until I break because I'm going to make something of myself and be the person I was destined to be. Although I would like to change things in my past, I never would've gone through the things I did and been able to realize my full potential. I volunteer as a cheerleading coach for UPWARD and that has made me feel better in helping other people. I also am the vice-president of students against destructive decisions (S.A.D.D) which helps me cope with my past and help other people who've been in my position. I plan on growing up and helping others who've been where I've been and people who've been depressed and had nobody to go to. I will be there for them so they aren't alone like I once was.

I hope you like it.

no school for me.

I'm crying out for help and it's like i'm on mute cause no one can hear me. I need new friends. I need a new family. I need a new life. I'm so sick of being this way. I can't do this. I left early from school today because I was like a second away from crying my eyes out, I couldn't even focus. I texted my mom so I could go home because I couldn't take it anymore and my mom was like I guess i'll come pick you up but i don't believe you. I hate it when nobody believes me when i'm upset. Nobody cares about me, I get that. But can you at least try to get to know me or at least try to care? Because I don't think this is not for me or that this life is for me. Lately i've been thinking what would it be like if I wasn't there, like if I was dead. I think everyone would be a lot happier and no one would really miss me. They don't even seem to care about me now so it's like well whatever she's finally gone.

I know you're probably reading this and like oh this is just normal she's always doing this. And i'm sorry I keep doing blogs about my depression but it's getting worse and I don't know whatelse to do because I can't talk to my friends or family about this because they don't care and this is the only way I can get it out. Every night I cry and I pray to god that something good happens in my life because life sucks. But nope nothing happens. People who ruined my fucking life keep coming into my life and screwing up things and me. Its like everytime they say something to me I get knocked down on the ladder a little more. Soon there will be no more ladder and I will hit rock bottom. I just need something good to happen to knock me out of this mess.

this is good news...right?

So as you all know I have my days when i'm depressed and my days when i'm okay. Well as Thanksgiving is growing close my depression days are growing longer. My mom finally called someone and I will soon be going to see a therapist. My mom also called my guidance counselor at my school and made me go see her and see what she thinks. She thinks that I have situational depression and that its moderate to extreme. I think that it's good that i'm finally going to see someone and get it out.

But to fill you in on what's been going on since i've been so busy and i'm always sleeping (which is a symptom of depression) homecoming was last weekend. It was horrible and stupid and I didn't have fun until it was after. They played stupid songs and people were just having sex in the middle of the dance floor. Not cool. The girls at my school are huge sluts which i'm not a part of that group. I don't see what the point is to go around and having sex with random dudes.

But after homecoming me and my friends went to ihop. It was midnight when we arrived and we didn't end up leaving until 2 in the morning. Then we all went back to my house and went to sleep. But my damn allergies got the best of me and the next day I was so sick and I just layed down all day and watched old episodes of Law and Order: SVU which is an amazing show btw :)