So we are doing spirit week at school. Which spirit week is my favorite week. So this week i'm going to show you my outfit for every week. Today was Mix Match Day. One of my favorite days of the week. Other than nerd day (which is tomorrow). So this is my outfit for today....
usually I go more out but it was supposed to be hot today so I just wore this. But at least i'm school spirited :)
But anyways i'm sitting here eating orange tic-tacs (which are pretty much amazing) and watching charmed. I haven't seen this show in like forever. But I have to start my AP psych homework soon. Even though I don't want to because senioritis is hitting me so hard right now.
My grandma called me today to talk to me about my father. I didn't want her to hear me crying on the phone but she still did. Which made me cry harder. I told them I would come out to visit them for thanksgiving but only for my sister and to see my grandparents cause they care. But my dad had told them that I was just going to stay with him. Why would I stay with him if I don't feel comfortable with him? So I had to tell them that I still feel uncomfortable with him so hopefully i'm going to stay with them. If not, I'm just going to be take me back to the airport cause I'm going home.
I think I need to go see a therapist. Maybe that will help me because I feel like i'm getting worse. Though sometimes I feel like my mom sees me upset and doesn't do anything or she just yells at me. Like earlier. Obviously i'm the black sheep of my family. It just sucks.
We had no school today so I was home alone and I stayed in my pj's and watched movies and took naps all day. I'd say it was pretty successful lol. Still feeling pretty crappy, i've been waiting for something to change but it's not happening yet. Oh and I ordered some books for borders today because I just finished the book i've been reading last night. I haven't been getting alot of sleep or well I have but...just not very well. And I haven't been very hungry which is unusal for me because I love food and I'm always eating. But lately i've just not been hungry. And i've lost like 3 pounds. Which is good because I wanna lose weight but I just think this is not the way to do it.
Now i'm watching George lopez because he makes me laugh. I need a good laugh. BLAH!
So I was right. Depression came and attacked me today. Actually I don't think it ever left it was just in hiding for the time being. While I was on the bus this morning it was like a bunch of weight just came at me and landed on my shoulders and I felt like I was stuck in a hole and I couldn't get out. No matter what I did today I just couldn't shake myself out of feeling alone. I don't know what to do. And i'm kind of pushing some of my friends away and I don't know why. I feel like I should tell my mom so she can do something about it. But i'm afraid of if I tell her then she won't understand and she will think i'm faking. That's what she did last time.
I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. I feel hopeless. Why is this happening to me?
So last night I was feeling like depression creeping up on me on me again. This time the first thing that came into my head was to pray to god. So I was like what the heck i'll just try it. So I prayed. For a long time. I haven't done it in a while, and it kind of felt weird to do it. But after I prayed and got everything out it felt kind of good. So i'm hoping god is listening to me. I really need him. I need a support system. But how can I have a support system when I don't ever let anyone know whats wrong with me. I don't tell my friends whats wrong. I keep a smile on my face when they see me so they don't suspect anything...though if I had a sad face on only some of my friends would notice.
I hate the fact that one day i'm happy-ish. And the other day i'm depressed. It's like i'm going through emotional menopause. Geez.
I am so sick of people telling me I can't do stuff. Like my mom keeps telling me how I won't be able to get into my college that I want to and that community college is my way. I know i'm better than community college. I know that community college isn't bad for some people but like I want to get out of here and I know I can do better. My freshman and sophomore year was bad because I didn't do anything and I didn't try my hardest but my last two years i've been busting my butt trying to do what I can to make up for what I did my first two years.
I am sick of my friends telling me that i'm not good enough sometimes. I am good enough.
I am good enough.
BLAH! Well I went to school today proudly wearing my patriots jersey because we spanked the dolphins 41-14 :) i'm so proud of them! But anyways I woke up with a very stuffy nose and my throat hurting and my head pounding. I don't know if i'm sick with like a cold or something or if it's my allergies. I really hope it's my allergies and not a cold or something because all my friends are sick and i've been hanging around with my friend alot who just told me today that she has laryngitis ( i don't know if thats the right way to spell it and i don't know if it's spreadable or not) but that would suck.
I think what i'm going to do tonight is take some sinus pills just in case its my allergies, take a nice hot bubble bath and then read for the rest of the night. I think that will make me feel better and relaxed.
Waiting for my game to start. Football game that is. Patriots vs. Dolphins.
LETS GO PATRIOTS! As you can tell i'm a patriots fan :)
But anyways.
My day was pretty spanking great, even though I think i'm getting sick.
We got our interim's today and I got A's and B's which makes me so happy because that's the best i've ever done. And it made me smile that my mom put it on the fridge, like I felt part of the family when she did that. So it's 55 here in maryland and i'm FREEEEEZING! I'm pretty okay with cold weather when theres no wind but its 55 with a 20 mph wind. That's just way too ridiculous! Plus its 10 degrees colder in my room so in our house its 60 something so it's like 50 something in my room which makes me shiver so I can't go to sleep till like forever. ARGH! This weekend's mission: tell mom to get heater for my room!
ARGH! My iPod is still not working. I've been trying to work on it all morning and nope. It just doesn't like me :( Then I trip going up the stairs and drop my homework in water (long story) so I had to re-do 4 FREAKING HOURS OF HOMEWORK OVER AGAIN! Then I bring my mom her food cause she can't walk cause she's on crutches and I drop her food all over her. So after that happened I pretty much just sat down and didn't move or say anything I was so mad/upset.
Is it possible that someone can be as bad luck as me?
So I think i'm getting sick so i've been trying to take naps alot to feel better. Well while I was taking a nap today I heard my doorbell go off. And so I was like okay and I shrug it off cause it was probably my sister just letting me know she was home. Well a minute later the doorbell rings again like 5 times in a row. And so I call my sister and I'm like stop ringing the freaking doorbell I'm trying to sleep. And then she goes i'm not even home, so how can I be ringing the doorbell and then the doorbell rings again 5 times in a row. So since i'm home alone I start freaking out thinking its a murderer trying to kill me. So I go upstairs very slowly and grab a knife and I go to the door. I look out the hole first seeing if I can see anything...nope I can't. Then I try to look through the window but like i'm layig on the ground so in case it is a murderer, they can't see me. Well when I look through the window, nobody is there. So I'm like seriously? some freaking little kid just effing pranked me. Gee thanks.
And so now that i'm awake i'm trying to update my ipod. Well now my ipod is not working whatsoever and it won't restore or anything and it's really making me upset cause I don't have the money to buy a new one and if I have to buy a new one or something my mom will be pissed off.
Ugh fantastic day.
