Sorry I havent posted in a while. I've been busy thinking about so much stuff. So this weekend hasn't been my best. Friday pretty much sucked in general. Then saturday I got a splinter in my butt and while trying to get it out I passed out. Then today while at breakfast my mom made me cry because she pretty much told me that I won't be able to make it to a regular college and that I should be thinking about a community college. Which hurts because I know I'm not that good in school but at least i'm trying. I'm sorry that I have A.D.D and it takes me a little bit to get stuff done and remember stuff.
So now i'm doing my psychology homework and I keep thinking about all this stuff i'm bad at. All the stuff I suck at. All the stuff everybody hates about me. All the stuff I hate about me. It's so hard to be liked when you don't even like yourself. It's hard to trust people when you can't even trust yourself.
You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
Frank Crane
I hate that I put people first when they put me second. I've been trying to lose weight and I still feel like everyone sees me like i'm still the fat person. I'm still the one in the room whos quiet, who hates herself and her body and just picks at her body and makes brusies on her body hoping it would make her skinny. Yeah I tried throwing up my food. Yeah I tried not eating for a couple of days. Yeah it didn't help me but when I did those stuff I felt like those were the only ways people were going to like me. Nobody was going to like me if i'm fat. Nobody likes fat people. Guys don't like fat people. I wish I was skinny so I can be liked. I wish I was skinny so I can be loved. I wish I was skinny so I can feel in with people. I wish I was skinny so I can feel confident. And I wish I was skinny so I can finally love myself.
Oh and by the way 14 more days till my birthday :)
Honey please don't put yourself down. There is nothing wrong with community college, I'm doing that and that is SO MUCH BETTER! You need more time to get stuff done, most community college professors are your transition from high school to University. Take your time, do your best and that's all you can do. Don't beat yourself up about it.
ReplyDeleteAbout your body, throwing up and not eating is NOT HEALTHY. What you can do is eat healthy and continue exercising and even if you don't get "skinny" you'll still find love. You don't have to be skinny to be liked. There are people out there that care about you, although not obvious at first, there are people.
Believe in yourself, praise yourself in all the good that you do, and if you do something not so good don't hurt yourself. Just say you'll do better next time.
I am always here if you need to talk hun, I have been down this road and am still on it, I just have been able to get through a lot of the rough spots.
Forget what your mom says, she doesn't know what she's saying.
Love,
The Adorkable Ditz
http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
Thank you. I needed that. This past weekend just pretty much sucked and I've just been thinking way too much. And I know community college isn't that bad, I mean I would go to community college and then go to college college but I just need to get out of here and this environment. I can't be here anymore. I don't think I could take this for a couple more years. It's taking so much out of me that i'm so weak. This just isn't the place for me. I need to start over with new people at a new place and then i'll be happy again.
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