thanks weather!

So right about now i'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen and looking at the weather. Apparently we have a tornado watch, a flash flood warning and watch. I'm kind of happy. Because I LOVE tornados. Like I love watching them on tv and one of my favorite movies is twister. And if i'm ever in one I can scratch it off my bucket list :)

Also since yesterday we had a half day of school I went to go see Easy A with my friend. I reccommend the movie it was funny and good.

I really don't have much to say but I might do another blog tonight.

today...

Today wasn't the greatest of days but at least it's almost over. I seriously hate my math teacher. I hope he falls in a one foot ditch and falls to the ground. But I don't want him to break anything because i'm not that mean. But no forreals I think he hates me. Why you may ask? I don't really know. I pay attention in his class I do all my work and my homework and I don't talk. It must be the way I look. Ugh jerk.

People these days I swear.
They just keep getting ruder, and dumber.

Like I was driving today and I was going 10 miles over the speed limit (I know i'm a daredevil (: )but anyways this lady freaking zooms past me and cuts me off AND SHE WAS IN A VAN! I was like are you serious soccer mom? Almost made me get into an accident and I was secretly putting a curse on her that her son would lose his soccer game. I know i'm pretty mean but seriously!

I'm pretty sore right now. Well my legs are. I decided I wanted to lose 15 pounds and I'm starting to run everyday. I haven't ran in like 3 weeks so I wasn't used to it. So I ran for like 15 minutes
(one mile) and I felt pretty good because I was like I haven't run in forever and I just ran 15 minutes boo-yah! Then I walk for another 15 minutes and burned 230 calories go me. Then I did 15 squats and lungs (oh my gosh they were killer) and then I did flutter kicks, and loads of crunches because i'm trying to lose my tummy. Hopefully the weight will take off and I will be happy.

this weekend

Welp. This weekend definitly put me in a better mood and it was fun. Friday night I went to dinner and the game with my friends and then we spent the night at my friends house. Then we woke up the next morning to go to the National Book Fair in DC. (I live like 20 minutes away from DC so it wasn't that bad). And so we got there its like 90 something degrees it was so hot so we just got a brochure and left. Then we ate lunch in DC and went back home. Then we got ready again and went back to DC to go to see bullet for my valentine (my friends favorite band) at the 9:30 club. I'm not a huge fan of people screaming and call it music. But I felt bad and had to go so my friend would be happy. I ended up getting beer poured on me twice by the same guy and he knew he did it cause he watched the second time he did it and laugh. Freaking Idiot. And me and my friend got a shoe thrown at us. Yeah great night.

So now i'm sitting here tired as crap cause I barely got sleep this weekend. Now I gotta do homework and sleep for the rest of the day. Goodnight.

no name.

So today I went to school but came home early because I had a horrible migraine and plus I just really didn't want to be there. So my mom came and got me and I was really glad that my mom actually came and picked me up. Though of course my migraine never went away today. And I took moutain dew and excedrin migraine which of course ALWAYS works but not for me obviously.

This night i'm a little better than last night. Still depressed but don't feel like crying. Which is a good thing I guess? I think i'm in love with my bestfriend (hes a guy) and it hurts so much because I don't think he feels the same about me. And everytime that I see him its like someone keeps stabbing me in the heart because its like seeing something you really want and knowing you can't have it.

I'm trying to be optimistic. About life. Maybe good things will happen if I try to be optimistic.

i'm done.

I'm done. I'm done with life. I'm done with people. I'm just done. I can't do it anymore. I'm depressed. I put on a fake smile everyday hoping people wouldn't know whats wrong with me but people just don't care. Why should I care about people if they don't care back? If in the end they just end up hurting me? That's why I don't get close to people, I get vulnerable and then it makes it hurt 10 times worse when they hurt me. I can't go to school anymore and have people think i'm always happy. Because i'm not. I'm sad. I'm depressed. And things in my life are repeating over and over and making it worse for me to deal with things.

No one knows what I go through everyday because no one cares to know whats wrong with me. I could do harm to myself and no one would even stop to ask me whats wrong or why I did it. No one would miss me if I was gone. It'd just be another day. Another lifeless day with people not caring.

All this pain and anger and sadness inside of me has to go away. It's eating me alive. I can't do it. I can't take it anymore. What's the point in being alive if you have all this inside of you? I'm thinking some messed up things and I can't push them away. I can't push the feelings and thoughts away because they just stick inside of me and eat me intill I get to the point where I don't want to move or do anything. Every night I cry. It makes it worse because then I feel worthless. I hate me. I hate this life. I hate these feelings inside me. I want them to just all go away. I wanna be happy. But I just can't. It's just too much.

I thought things were different.

Happy birthday to me :)

So today's my birthday...obviously. I'm finally 17 so I can see rated R movies whoop whoop. Although today was good and my family was great. But year after year my friends slack on my birthday and it really upsets me. Because I go all out on their birthday's and every year they barely even say happy birthday to me. Am I overreacting? Am I being selfish?

I don't know.
I'm confused.

So i'm currently online shopping for books and clothes with the money I got today. It makes me happy. Since I love reading...but I really don't like shopping. Yeah I know weird... I'm like the only girl who doesn't like shopping. Why don't I like shopping? Because I hate going into a store and them not having your size, or having your size but in ugly clothes. Not fun whatsoever.

Blah.

asdfjkl;

Sorry I havent written anything in a while i've been WAY stressed out! I've had about 3 hours of homework like EVERY FREAKING NIGHT! So like my schedule was like wake up at 6, breakfast at 7, school at 8-3, then sometimes I would nap cause i'd be so tired from school and homework or sometimes I would go to the gym for like 2 hours so I'd get home at 5-6ish (depends on when I leave) and then dinner till 7, so then 3 hours of homework then it'd be like 10-1030ish when i'm finally done then im so exhausted that I just crash.

Blah I haven't even told my mom what I wanted for my birthday cause i've been so busy. And my birthday is on sunday. Ugh! Now I desperatly need a back and neck massage because i'm cramping up and it's starting to hurt really bad. And to top it off mother nature decided to pay me a visit. And when I get that I get some HORRIBLY HORRIBLE cramps. Like you have no idea. I can't move and I've stayed home from school many of times because of it. It freaking sucks.

I'm so excited that theres a 3 day weekend and its also fair day weekend so i'm hoping to have LOADS of fun this weekend :)

So I need to listen to some new bands. Though I love the bands I'm listening to right now, I just need some new songs. So I need some new ideas!

Well so it's 9 o'clock where I am right now. I'm tired, stressed, cranky, and I need some sleep. Goodnight <3

why?

Why are people coming back in my life that I pushed out for a reason? Like my dad, my grandma, and my ex. There is a reason I put you in my past and forgot about you. I'm looking towards the future and forgetting about my past so I can get over the hurtful things people put me through. Everything is stressing me out lately because all these people are coming back in my life. I mean i'm already thinking about college and the stuff my mom wants me to do, plus I got A LOAD of homework that i'm way behind on, I can't get this person out of my head no matter what I do. I think i'm in love with my bestfriend and I wanna find out if he likes me too because we always talk about going out and all this stuff but like I don't know. I got my friends not remembering my birthday and having to find out through facebook and all this other crap. It's like I give so much to people who give me so little. People put me second when I put them first.

Why is everything so hard right now? I'm trying to push through keep my smile on my face so I can get through the days but it's getting harder and harder. No matter what I do to try to make everything seem better somebody or something just puts me down. Nobody knows the real me. I wish I could tell someone so at least I have someone to talk to about it. But I'm afraid once I tell them the real me they will run away. Because it seems like everytime I get really close with someone they end up leaving and running away. Is it me? Did I do something wrong?

:)

10 days till my birthday :)

blah.

I am so sick of hearing stuff about college. My mom, her boyfriend, my uncle, school just keep saying stuff. It's like repeat going on, over and over and over and over. Seriously i'm so sick of hearing it. The thing is I WANNA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! Out of maryland. Out of the house. Away from my family. I can't deal with the stuff here anymore. It's killing me to be here still.



This sucks.

I hate when people tell you, you can't.

Sorry I havent posted in a while. I've been busy thinking about so much stuff. So this weekend hasn't been my best. Friday pretty much sucked in general. Then saturday I got a splinter in my butt and while trying to get it out I passed out. Then today while at breakfast my mom made me cry because she pretty much told me that I won't be able to make it to a regular college and that I should be thinking about a community college. Which hurts because I know I'm not that good in school but at least i'm trying. I'm sorry that I have A.D.D and it takes me a little bit to get stuff done and remember stuff.

So now i'm doing my psychology homework and I keep thinking about all this stuff i'm bad at. All the stuff I suck at. All the stuff everybody hates about me. All the stuff I hate about me. It's so hard to be liked when you don't even like yourself. It's hard to trust people when you can't even trust yourself.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.



Frank Crane
 
I hate that I put people first when they put me second. I've been trying to lose weight and I still feel like everyone sees me like i'm still the fat person. I'm still the one in the room whos quiet, who hates herself and her body and just picks at her body and makes brusies on her body hoping it would make her skinny. Yeah I tried throwing up my food. Yeah I tried not eating for a couple of days. Yeah it didn't help me but when I did those stuff I felt like those were the only ways people were going to like me. Nobody was going to like me if i'm fat. Nobody likes fat people. Guys don't like fat people. I wish I was skinny so I can be liked. I wish I was skinny so I can be loved. I wish I was skinny so I can feel in with people. I wish I was skinny so I can feel confident. And I wish I was skinny so I can finally love myself.
 
Oh and by the way 14 more days till my birthday :)
 

you make me wanna lala.

Welp. Don't really have much to talk about tonight. Watching the game as usual. Feels like reading for the rest of the night. Currently I'm reading perfect chemistry. Pretty good so far. If you don't know what it is. I'll tell you once i'm done reading it. Oh I have a good idea i'll read while taking a bubble bath that sounds so good right now.